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Your Humor 1/18/2006
Ever thought that you were boring? That maybe you broke
up with the hot guy because you didn't have it? Everyone
has some excitment, the trick is figuring out what it is!
For an example:
My first boyfriend ditched me after a week. Said I wasn't
worth it. I read every self-help book and article I could,
no difference. Then sparatically he called and we went
to dinner, and I made a small ...
7 Comments,
553 Views,
45 Votes
,4.11 Score
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my wife 1/8/2006
My Domme!
1 Comments,
496 Views,
18 Votes
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Why Man Got His First Blow Job 12/9/2005
"Don't eat that Eve!" Adam hollered as
he saw his mate plucking the ripe fruit from the branch.
<br>
"Why not?"
<br>
"Cause God said we couldn't."
<br>
"So? Look how much fruit it bears. It would be a stupid
waste not to eat it. Besides, none of the other trees have
fruit that is so fat and plentiful and I don't really
feel like walking to the next nearest tree. ...
0 Comments,
388 Views,
19 Votes
,1.81 Score
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Retribution-Like A... 12/1/2005
Justin struggled against the ropes. He strained his arm
muscles trying to loosen the bonds. He tried to raise up
on his knees. "You won't get away with this, "
he threatened, "I'll go to the cops and they'll
put you cunts away forever!" Four women laughing
was the only reply to Justin's threat. Rita gave a gentle
tug on Justin's short brown hair. "What are you
gonna say?" Rita asked, ...
0 Comments,
253 Views,
9 Votes
,5.14 Score
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Retribution-Like A... 12/1/2005
Justin struggled against the ropes. He strained his arm
muscles trying to loosen the bonds. He tried to raise up
on his knees. "You won't get away with this, "
he threatened, "I'll go to the cops and they'll
put you cunts away forever!" Four women laughing
was the only reply to Justin's threat. Rita gave a gentle
tug on Justin's short brown hair. "What are you
gonna say?" Rita asked, ...
1 Comments,
248 Views,
8 Votes
,3.71 Score
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Who pissed on my beer? 11/29/2005
My mom and her boyfriend went away for the weekend, several
years ago. THey went to Lincoln City, on the Oregon Coast.
He bought a case of beer to take with him.
<br>
He had so many drinks that night that he could barely stand.
Mom said that around 3:30 that morning, he went to the bathroom
in his birthday suit. She said he fell three times on his
way to the bathroom that was only ...
0 Comments,
301 Views,
15 Votes
,4.20 Score
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The sweet smell of revenge! 11/28/2005
I was barely nineteen when this happened. If you're
hoping to read some juicy sex tale, you might wish to read
something else. This is a tale of revenge, off-color and
possibly disgusting, and humiliation.
I worked as a mail boy for a large company in San Diego. There
were literally hundreds of workers, many of which were
women. I developed a crush on a particular lady named Jill. ...
1 Comments,
326 Views,
12 Votes
,5.80 Score
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May we? 11/28/2005
Many years ago, when I was in my early twenties, I was stationed
in England. Several of us decided to tour Europe via train.
We spent three nights on the French Riviera. On our last
night, the four of us went to what I could only call a "clip
joint." You know, where the drinks for the girls are
overpriced and usually nothing stronger than cold tea.
Anyway, each of us picked a girl and ...
0 Comments,
120 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Playful "Pooch" 9/26/2005
I was with the woman I was seeing at the time. She was pretty
with personality, nimble and extremely passionate.
<br>
We were in one of our sessions on her couch in her living room.
We had been already through a number of interesting positions.
At this point she was straddling me as I sat on the edge of
the couch and her legs were at first wrapped around me and
then stretched up ...
4 Comments,
1221 Views,
43 Votes
,5.28 Score
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my first blow job 9/13/2005
I was 17 years old and out with my girfriend. She was a year
older but lesss experienced than I. I was the first guy she
had ever kissed. We had been dating for 5 months. I took her
to my father's business. It was around midnight, i
was aroused and she was looking hot. She was from Vietnam
and had beautiful long black hair, a nice complexion and
pretty eyes. Oh, a nice body too. We were ...
0 Comments,
297 Views,
14 Votes
,2.50 Score
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Old Harold 9/7/2005
There this guy Harold who's like 97 years old and lives
in a nursing home. Anyway every evening after dinner Harold
would go out to a secluded part of the garden and just sit
on the glider thinking about all of his accomplishments
and his long life.
<br>
One evening Ethel, an 87 year old, strolled by and saw Harold.
She asked what he was doing and they started to talk. Well ...
1 Comments,
366 Views,
14 Votes
,3.14 Score
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The Affair? 8/15/2005
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they went off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who
was to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz
had the longest and thickest dick he had ever seen.
<br>
"I'm sorry, Mr Schwartz", said the mortician,
"but I can't send you off to be cremated with a ...
0 Comments,
408 Views,
18 Votes
,5.31 Score
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Try never to get too excited 8/4/2005
Diane was only the second woman I had ever had sex with. I
was 18 and she was 33. I won't bore you with the details
of our meeting, but I'll get right to the act. Diane
was the first woman I ever performed orally on. I guess I
tried very hard and I slobbered a great deal. I remember
having an erection that hurt. I continued to lick and drool
on her vagina. Eventually, she reached ...
0 Comments,
328 Views,
8 Votes
,3.48 Score
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One word or two 5/23/2005
An elderly couple had been seeing each other for quite a
while. So they figured marriage was the next logical step.
<br>
One evening they went out to dinner for a heart to heart talk.
They discussed everything from finances, living arrangments
to snoring. Finally the gentleman broached the subject
of intamacy.
<br>
He askes how the lady felt about sex. She replied, "well ...
1 Comments,
391 Views,
20 Votes
,6.06 Score
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The Tattoo 5/21/2005
Ben came home late that night.
His wife Linda asked "where the hell have you been?".
I got a tattoo he said proudly. A tattoo she said angrily,
"What kind of tattoo?". I got a tattoo of a hundred
dollar bill on my dick.
"Why would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his dick" she asked.
"Well one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, sometimes
I like to play with my ...
2 Comments,
403 Views,
21 Votes
,4.12 Score
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"SANTA,BAR-MAID'S,GIVING.MY.HUSBAND.TOO.MUCH.SERVICE!"" 4/16/2005
SANTA[DATELINE]Barmaid.too.coozy! Carmen who Darby
had called while riding SANTA'S pony, sat beside
SANTA and pretend to be 14 Darby on Tiffany's livingroom
Love-Seat settee and SANTA was consoling her. Carmen told
him her problem with her husband's club bar-maid.
"My husband belongs to a private club where wives
are welcome. People often greet one-another by kissing
hello, goodbye ...
0 Comments,
219 Views,
6 Votes
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A Day At The Races 4/15/2005
This guy is just sitting there quitely reading his newspaper
when his wife walks up and smacks him on the head with a magazine.
<br>
"Ouch" he says. "What was that for?"
<br>
"That was for the piece of paper I found in your pants
with the name Laura Lou written on it" she replied.
<br>
"Remember a couple of weeks ago I went to the track?
That was the name of one of ...
0 Comments,
332 Views,
17 Votes
,5.53 Score
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"SANTA, MY DR. DIDN'T SWALLOW MY CUM!" 2/26/2005
SANTA[DATELINE]CHICAGO;DrsuesDrfrCum Dr.Richard
O.Phillips says his former lover a Dr.Sharon Irons deceived
him by not swallowing his semen during an oral sex session
and using said semen to get herself (pg) pregnant by artificial
insemination. Dr.Phillips accuses Dr.Irons of a "calculated,
profound, personal betrayal" She says they had
the baby through normal sexual intercourse. The ...
0 Comments,
262 Views,
14 Votes
,1.70 Score
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"SANTA,ARE.OUR.M.Ps.IN.IRAQ.MISBEHAVING?" 2/7/2005
SANTA[DEADLINE]IRAQ;M.P.Mud Wrestler Demoted: A female
member of a Ntl-Guard.unit was demoted for indecent exposure
after a pre-Valentine's Day mud wrestling party at
the Army run Camp Bucca detention center in Iraq. The incident
involved the Ashville, NC-105th, Military Police Battalion,
said the Baccu Camp spokesman, Lt.Col.Barry Johnson,
he would not ...
0 Comments,
154 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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SANTA;RETIREMENT a 'S VIEW: 2/3/2005
SANTA[DEADLINE]How'd.Spend3.Holiday? SECRETSANTA
read the pretty, carrot-topped subTeacher's report
as he introduced Tonya Gorgon, 25, with a delicious 34D
bust, and carmel nipples, that matched her satiny skin,
he had met her on one of those kinky B&B/S&M.com Websistes
profiled as a submissive;introduced her to a closed sesssion
of play scene fantasy B&B accompanied with his chief ...
1 Comments,
179 Views,
8 Votes
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SANATA*^CRIMES*AGAINST*NATURE^* 1/25/2005
SANTA[DEADLINE]*WEIRD*TRUE*TALES*: DURAHAM, NC n
Dec.gang member RobertD.Jphnson, was sentenced to 15
years for shooting off the genitals of a fellow Blood(negroe)
who was wws trying to leave the group. The jury rejected
an even harsher penalty for "maliicious castration"
settling.on"non-maliciouscastratioin because
Johnson actually shot the man in the leg, but that the bullet ...
1 Comments,
167 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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KAUPHY KUP(Santa"sCOMIC.STRIP) 1/22/2005
SANTA[DATELINE]A MORNING STARTER: SANTA OVER HEARD IN
TIMES PAST SHERLOCK HOLMES AND DR. WATSON: "I say, Holmes
the toilet is dripping water onto the bathroom floor"
"Indeed, " said Holmes, getting up and heading
for the kitchen. "Are you sure?""Yes,
it'sleaking definitely leaking." "Is
it now?"ask ed Holmes, grabbing some food ...
0 Comments,
79 Views,
5 Votes
,0.86 Score
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ANOTHER.KAUPH.KUP(COMIC.STRIP): 1/22/2005
SANTA[DEADLINE]Graveside.gift&arrest SecretSantaOver"KauphyKup"comicstripFor
two great morning starters: [BALTIMORE]For the 56th year, an
unkown man stole into a locked graveyard early on Edgar
Allen Poe's birthday and placed three roses and a half-empty
bottle of cognac on the writer's grave. To.this.day.no.one.knowstheident-ity
of the so-called Poe Toaster ...
0 Comments,
76 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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"SANTA,WHAT.WILL.I.BE.WHEN.I'M.A SENIOR?" . 1/22/2005
SANTA[DEADLINE]WILM.N.C.BE.A.SENIOR: SECRETSANTA, Answers
his GrandChilds Question "What will I be when I become
a Senior Citizen? What will it be like SANTA?" "I'm
the life of the party even if it lasts past 10pm, and I'm
very good at opening Tyenol caps with a hammer, yes
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to
where I'm going, _n_I'm awake many hours ...
0 Comments,
101 Views,
4 Votes
,0.14 Score
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2005-01-20
'Peachy' had come to visit me in Portland, OR from
the coastal town where she lived. When I first met her, her
hubby had her sleeping "in the doghouse" in
their living room! Sexually, she was insatiable with him.
He'd go work, and she'd call me and I'd coach
her on field expedient toys to use in our phone sex escapades.
Once, while looking for something new to try, she opened
and looked inside her hubby's tool box, where she found
a large handled screwdriver for which, she soon developed
a great fondness! From that point on, the Ole Craftsman
screwdriver became 'de rigueur' in our Long Distance
trysts.
<br>
<br>
One that Saturday, when she and a friend of hers came to Portland
for a concert. 'Peachy' was going to be dropped
off at my place after the concert, while her friend had plans
to attend an 'all-night' rave party. Now, I'd
had some wine earlier, and dozed off when she didn't
arrive on time. When she finally did arrive, I was sleeping
deeply, as she woke my neighbors getting me to wake up.
<br>
<br>
As soon as I greeted and let her in, I was immediately grateful
that I'd drank the wine earlier, as I could hardly withstand
her body odor emanating from her, due to all the drinking
and sweating, from dancing during the entire length of
the concert! Now, I had to help her into my bed with a modicum
of grace and gratitude, and I said to her, 'I may have
some toys similar to your favorite Craftsman tools, in
my own toolbox!' She smiled then nodded, as I went to
find them, and some lube.
<br>
<br>
Back at 'Ground Zero' alongside 'Peachy, '
I generously applied the lube, threw in a little fondling,
then efficiently and smoothly inserted the Standard 1/2"
Craftsman screwdriver, handle end first, into the excretory
opening of her alimentary canal. Then I lubed myself, and
inserted the Phillips 1/2" Craftsman screwdriver
handle into my own anus. We had both, somehow excited ourselves
by now, and rather quickly, began fucking frenziedly with
heedless abandon!
<br>
<br>
Between the sensory stimulation of the actual Craftsman
handles' penetration in our anuses, and the auditory
stimulation of 'business' ends of the screwdrivers,
sounding like one of the most famous sword duels in one of
the greatest Swashbuckler movies of all time, "Captain
Blood" circa 1935, with Basil Rathbone and Errol
Flynn (who was an unknown Australian replacement actor
until this film). On top of, just the plain edginess of these
Ben Wa balls substitutions, caused us to quickly come wildly,
and just as quick, fall into a tranquil slumber, both impaled,
with the Craftsman 1/2" screwdriver handles, locked
firmly in place!
<br>
<br>
But there's a downside to this tale and it's that,
to this day, keeping in mind, this happened about five years
ago, I have not been able to remove the permeated, tainted,
synesthetic redolence from the solid plastic handles
of the two cutlasses we wielded onto battle that one night!
SEAR's Craftsman Tools 100% Guaranteed Exchange
Warranty notwithstanding!
Comments,
Views,
Votes
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SANTA;[WE DON'T NEEED NO BADGES] 1/16/2005
SANTA[DATELINE]JOLIET, ILL.AM.Robbery:"THSHADOW"SecretSanta's;Alter-Ego,
in the"60"s on cold, early, Marchmorn- ing.on.his.wayto.his.then.job, suudd-
enly remembers that his cover wife asked him to stop at Joliet's.Super-
mrt, and pick up adozen eggs , and a wheat bread on his way
to work. He pulled into his usual handicap parking spot
at "Honiotes-SuperMart" .in front of the store. ...
0 Comments,
79 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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"SANTA-DO.YOU.BELIEVE.IN-FAIRIES?" 1/10/2005
SANTA{DATELIN]FAIRIESnon-Homo_sexual SECRETSANTA
has always Been interested in the study oFthe weird, and
supernatural, such was the case of Dragons.Krampus, and
Fairies. Be it Known that the fairy family includes.brownies, elves, gnomes, gob-
lins, fairies, leprechauns, nixies, pix-ies, poltergeists, spirites, trolls
and pookahs(like HARVEY.the.7ft.Rabbii) A fairy, by ...
0 Comments,
53 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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"SANTA,BUY.US.A.GROSS,"TROJANSUPRAS"andWILLYA.KILL.THATLOUD.OVER.THE.COUNTER.TV" 1/5/2005
SANTA[DATELINE]MANCHESTER, IA: Recently SANTA was
working on his column, suddenly his "DICOM-3"[LocalHotList]
light flash- -ed red. There was Trouble in River- City}like
the movie sang goes. SANTA wass faced with not one but two.dilemmas.
On.the.Internet.he Was invited.to.a"ThreeHourLate-HappyHour
Party by.teeny-boppers.who.called theselves"Fabulous-59-Panthers", a
...
0 Comments,
87 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score
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Life`s little instructions for positivity! 1/4/2005
Compliment three people everyday*Over-tip breakfast
waitress*Watch a sunrise at least once a year*Once in your
life own a convertible*Sing in the shower*Treat everyone
you meet like you want to be treated*Never refuse homemade
brownies*Strive for excellence, not perfection*Plant
a tree on your birthday*Learn three clean jokes*Return
borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full*Never waste an ...
0 Comments,
123 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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S&M 1/4/2005
Probably the oldest one in the book 
<br>
The Masochist says to the Sadist: "Please hurt me!"
<br>
The Sadist smile and says: "No!"
0 Comments,
372 Views,
19 Votes
,3.26 Score
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