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It's All Relevant

Anais Nin (quote)
Posted:Jun 23, 2018 3:14 am
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2018 3:22 am
Anais Nin (quote)

Sooo I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.

Anais Nin
1 comment
Yours, Mine, Ours
Posted:Jun 22, 2018 8:00 am
Last Updated:Jun 22, 2018 1:32 pm
Yours, Mine, Ours

In any relationship, partners work to take care of each other’s needs. But in D/s, it’s much more defined. Dominants know they have a responsibility to put their submissives’ needs first. And submissives care for their Dominants’ needs (and wants and whims and maybe sandwiches sometimes). When this dynamic works well, both sides of the slash are 100% devoted to meeting their partners’ needs.

But the dynamic also has its own needs. Someone once told me that the key to a strong D/s relationship is that you both serve each other, and you serve the dynamic. Dominants and submissives nourish the dynamic by fulfilling each other’s needs through the dynamic, but there’s also this magic that happens in the space between—magic in how you create and nourish the dynamic itself.

Once I had a great relationship with a great Dominant. He set rules, I followed them, and he gave me lots of head pats and praise for doing so. The relationship fulfilled my needs for ownership and spankings, and they fulfilled his needs for control and responsibility (with a dash of sadism).

Then I started a new job, and it threw our schedule off. I was suddenly far busier than I had been. After a few weeks, something felt…off. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was missing. Less in-person time, sure. But I still felt connected to him. I still followed the rules. He still praised me. We checked in with one another during the day. And yet, something felt off.

I turned it over in my head, trying to understand my feelings. The more I tried to understand, the more lost I felt. The more lost I felt, the more I withdrew. It just felt so stupid that I had this great relationship with this great man and felt unhappy. I tried to chalk it up to the adjustment to a new job. But that wasn’t it. I was just floating in space. Unconnected. Untethered. I needed something to ground me. But I had no idea what it was.

After a couple weeks of drifting, he texted me. “Unless you’re going to get fired, we are having lunch today. And we are going to talk.” I said the only thing I could—yes, Sir. We sat at lunch, and he just stared at me. He stared until words started coming out. Words that made no fucking sense. Words like, “I just need more. I don’t know what I need more of, but I need it. MORE.”

It was utterly terrifying to let go and share my emotions like that when I didn’t even know what they were. But in the end, we had a game plan. He started exerting his control more actively, with tasks and protocol to keep the connection vibrant. I started feeling connected and in my role again, and he found a richness to the dynamic that he’d never felt before. We found more.

Neither of us actually needed more tasks or more protocol; he was a fairly low-protocol Dom outside the bedroom. But the dynamic needed tasks and protocol, even if he and I didn’t. The dynamic needed to be fed a regular diet of active, engaged power exchange. Without those reminders, we drifted. We let the dynamic fade until it was little more than a set of daily habits.

So yes, your needs are important, and so are mine. But our needs—what’s needed for a strong and vibrant dynamic—cannot be forgotten. If you don’t hold the leash firm, is it even there?

Posted:Jun 22, 2018 6:31 am
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2018 11:37 am

“Tell me,” he said, tugging on my nipples painfully. “Tell me you want this. Tell me you want me to hurt you, pet. Beg.”

My eyes swam with unshed tears and I gasped out a whimper. “Please,” I whispered brokenly. “Please, Master. Please hurt me. I want it. I *need* it. I need you to hurt me, use me. However, it pleases you. Please, Master. Please….”

“That’s my girl,” he said, releasing my nipples with one last painful tug. “Now, let’s see if we can make you cry.”

Ignoring in a D/s Relationship
Posted:Jun 21, 2018 4:51 pm
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2018 6:02 am
Ignoring in a D/s Relationship

Ignoring your sub is NOT, I repeat NOT a form of punishment. It is a form of mental abuse. Submissives are needy by nature and if a Dom is not ready to accept that responsibility, then D/s is not for them. BDSM relationships are built on trust and communication. Doms need to keep that window open for their submissives to talk to them about anything they are worried about, and ignoring closes that. Ignoring does not discipline a submissive - it teaches them how to live without said, Dom.

Some submissives will feel rejected, angry, and can have anxiety and panic attacks. A Dom who ignores shows they are not creative or caring enough to give their sub a punishment that instructs them how to learn and move on from their mistake.

“Oh, but ignoring is the only thing that works.“ No, no it isn’t. Stop. You’re uncreative and lazy. It doesn’t WORK, it’s just a way for you to avoid the situation. There are ways to discipline for EVERY transgression or broken rule that are NOT abusive and do NOT include ignoring. If you honestly think ignoring is the only way, then you need to sit down with some other Doms and see what they do.

That being said, I titled this ignoring within a D/s relationship because ignoring can go both ways. Submissives, ignoring your Dom when you’re angry or upset is destructive. Doms need submissives just as much as you need them, and a D/s relationship is a relationship, and relationships require communication or they will fail.

Ignoring problems does not answer them. If you and your Dom are in a rough spot, then you must talk it over. Doms are not telepathic. They do not know every thought or doubt, and just a little insight might help them calm your fears.

However, if you are in a relationship with a Dom and he is mistreating you, as in non-consensual manipulation and abuse, then talking it over isn’t always best. Abusive relationships are toxic and unhealthy and ignoring the person and running away, possibly getting help if you’re comfortable, is a viable option. If you honestly feel like that’s the best choice and the only choice, then you should get yourself out of that situation.

Just to recap, ignoring should not be used as a punishment. Ever. A Dom should not ever ignore a sub and a sub should be just as considerate unless they are in a toxic relationship and need a means of escape. Ignoring will lead to the destruction of a relationship.

Before I end this post, I want to cover one more topic. If you just forget to talk to your submissive for a long period of time, it doesn’t matter if you weren’t ‘ignoring’ them, it still has the SAME effects of being ignored, the EXACT SAME. Make time for your submissive and ensure that they are not being ignored and forgotten. If you are going out to do something for a long period of time, give them objectives to do and set alarms if you have to so you remember to check up on them. It’s a simple thing that can easily go unnoticed. Even a submissive can do this, such as if they went out shopping with friends with minimum contact with their Dom.

It is not too late to learn from mistakes and attempt to restore relationships. If you can, do so - but remember, ignoring is NOT a punishment or a way to make the other person want you more. It doesn’t work. They learn to live and love without you. Forgetting to talk to them can have the same consequences, although less deliberate.

Be considerate of your lover, your Dom, or your sub. Be mindful of your actions and thoughtful of the consequences, and for the love of the Gods, please please please listen to them when they are upset over something. Punishments and discipline, although not necessarily wanted by the sub, are CONSENSUAL. The submissive should trust a Dom enough to consent to be disciplined or punished for their actions so they can learn and grow. It is NOT a right, it is a privilege, and one that should be treasured and held as sacred.

Cock Worship SKILLS Training, however, is totally a Thing.
Posted:Jun 20, 2018 4:38 am
Last Updated:Jun 20, 2018 5:25 am
Cock Worship SKILLS Training, however, is totally a Thing.

To begin with, one could try the following, if so desired:

A Basic Recipe for Cock Worship Skill Enhancement Training

1 preferably floppy cock

1 preferably eager, drooly mouth

2 pairs of happy hands (1 pair optional)

A pinch of good humor

A teaspoon of time

A cup of patience

Mix them all together in a bowl of loving acceptance with a spoonful of *gentle guidance until firm and then bake at a high heat - adjusting the temperature, speed and grip patterns as needed to allow for thorough pleasure distribution. When the rich sauce fountains from the center - it is time to remove from heat and allow to cool down. Try to catch all the sauce - it is after all, (most of the time) the point of the process but is also - always a blessing. It’s important to clean up thoroughly - you’re only finished when everything is back in its original place. Floppy, warm, and happy.

Finally, dust with a fine sprinkling of praise and gratitude.


*As with all things cock or kitchen related - recipes must be adapted according to personal taste, for example - I like my gentle guidance in the form of a firm hand or a whippy stick (sometimes both together) - other folk need a real gentle touch or just words etc - it is VERY important to adjust everything/anything according to personal - both/all person’s preferences.

Do you see her?
Posted:Jun 19, 2018 4:29 am
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2018 5:59 pm
Do you see her?

The mature woman you think is attractive, has her life together, is accomplished, and comes with the added bonus of purchase: she’s submissive. Jackpot, right? Well, yeah. But let’s unpack that a little.

Look at her.

She is, perhaps, married, or was. She may have children and no help at home, or survived the child-rearing and is now looking to new stages in her life. She may have an ex whose sole purpose in life is to score points off her, she may have an aging family to care for. Daily, she keeps several plates spinning at the top of tall reeds, and you better believe keeping those things spinning isn’t really an act of choice for her. If she lets them fall, they shatter spectacularly, people look and gawk and judge her harshly for her failures.

Look at her.

She is in control at all times, because there are no choices. No alternatives for her, not until those delicious few hours when someone places a collar around her neck and leads her to sanctuary. Until someone ensures that it’s okay to leave the reeds, the plates will spin on, awaiting her return. She revels in the mindlessness of no expectation other than acquiescence, the quietude of simply existing. That is her respite, her renewal. And if, during renewal, she might feel pleasure, so much the better. So much sweeter those achievements, those moments, those peaks. She knows to value each one.

Look at her.

She is, perhaps, a professional of some sort. She might manage people, or create things. Could be she is a force to be reckoned with, meeting deadlines and keeping the ship in its lane. Without question, she has been fighting her entire life for the same recognition you take for granted. She manages her life quite handily, and largely prefers it that way, saves for the moments that she would like to put all of it down, to step away. She revels in not being the steward of lives and lifestyles if only for a short time, entrusted only to the one person she can surrender herself and her stewardship. She looked long and hard for that person, and if that one is you, take note.

Look at her.

Careful, careful thought has gone into the placing down of those burdens. She has weighed the imperatives that others place upon her against her instinct to succumb to the siren call of tranquility. She has calculated, and considered, and decided. There is a deliberateness to the action of transferring power. The reward meets the risk, and she is equal to the task. You are her partner in the exchange, and she has faith in your strength and trusteeship.

Look at her.

She has bent for you. Knelt, bent, allowed herself to be arranged, raised pink and tender places for your inspection and attention and your tools and implements. She has chosen the fluid exchange of energy, gathering strength from her suffering for you, taking your darkness into her, committing her flesh to the healing of both cell and spirit. She allows she chooses, she commits. Her will unleashes your own and in turn, your will keeps hers secure.

Look at her.

Struggle with the deviation from societal norms has left her vulnerable. She has sought out a place to give away, if only for a short while, her body, her conscious mind, perhaps even a portion of her soul. With the shedding of her clothing, that nakedness runs deeper than the flesh. When she is wrapped in blankets and forehead kisses or later slipping into street clothes, she is quietly donning the protective garments of her every day.

Look at her. Isn’t she fine?

Bound and Strapped
Posted:Jun 18, 2018 5:52 pm
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2018 1:42 pm
Bound and Strapped

She lay on the bed, still bound and strapped. The marks he had made on her body fresh from a long session. She could feel her body gently trembling, her mind coming down from the thrill of their evening, her body calling out to him. Her mind needing his tenderness. She felt his hands slowly undo the cuffs to her wrists, then the straps securing the ankles and her thighs. His strong arms wrapped her up in his, a sense of comfort and love pouring over her. He kissed her cheek softly and stroked her hair. “What can I do for you, baby?” he said, softly, holding her close, whispering how happy she made him, taking care of her for the rest of the evening, making her feel safe, making her feel loved, just as he always did.

What you don’t see is:
Posted:Jun 17, 2018 4:53 am
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2018 7:54 am
What you don’t see is:

1) the time getting to know each other before they even kissed

2) the trips to the park, the pillow fights, the discussions of life goals and dreams

3) the initial discussions, covering basics and delving into what she was comfortable doing WITH HIM.

4) the evenings spent discussing personal family things. Heartbreaks. Disappointments. The tears and support

5) the times she was unable to step forward because of her lack in confidence in herself and HE gently reminded her and encouraged her

6) his bad days- when she loved and supported and held his sobbing form

7) the disagreements

the experimentation, the changing of minds (on 2nd thought- no- I do not like blood play)

9) the times she cried because she thought she wasn’t good enough for him

10) the deeper negotiations

11) the time he brought her to tears then spent 3 days not leaving her side because she needed him

These scenes- do not happen without extensive discussion, play, experimentation, and constant consent. CONSTANT consent. Each action requires agreement.

Communication doesn’t always have to be verbal
Posted:Jun 16, 2018 10:39 am
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2018 2:26 am
Communication doesn’t always have to be verbal

There are several things I have picked up in my research. There are truths and concepts that are undeniably the main one is our lifestyle is full of protocols and rituals most by our own making. The other is communication is key as in all aspects of life, but In BDSM lifestyle why not combine the two. We already do in some aspects such as if our sub needs a spanking they can bring an implement and present it to you. There are other forms, for instance, I have a system with my Bella where she has 3 different collars at home. If she is in need of a Daddy Dom she brings the pink collar and presents it to me if I agree I place it on her and pull her into my lap. If she needs her Dom she brings the brown collar again if I agree I place it on her and she kneels at my feet. Then there are the days she is in need of something more she will bring the black collar I will put it on her and she is to strip and get in the corner till I am ready to deal with her. All of these can be overridden by me. This is just a way for us to communicate without speaking. There are a lot of other ways. I once knew a switch that was primarily a Dom but if he had a really bad day he had a ring he would put on before walking in and his sub knew to remove her collar and take control. The constant in all the successful couples are always the same communication. It can be verbal ( porch time, meta, speak freely or pillow talk) whatever or however you call it communication is the answer. In my field of expertise we have what’s called Speak up, Listen up where I teach people not only to speak up when something is wrong but also how to listen up it saves lives. Remember these are people we are dealing with things we do as Dom or sub effects lives. We are all human. Yall stay safe.

Posted:Jun 14, 2018 4:26 am
Last Updated:Jun 14, 2018 8:14 am

Sometimes I look at you and I can’t understand how someone before me didn’t see what I see,
sometimes I look at you and I can’t understand how someone before me didn’t notice a whole beautiful universe hidden within you,
sometimes I look at you and I can’t understand how someone before me looked at you and didn’t find every single thing they’d been searching for in a single human being,
and sometimes I look at you feeling glad that they didn’t, because if they looked deep enough to see all of those things within you, then I would’ve never been able to.

— Ruby Dhal

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