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Let Go...
Posted:Jan 20, 2018 12:09 am
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2018 7:08 am
Let Go

Step to the edge, reach out to me and let go.

Open your mind, quiet the chaos and let go.

Embrace your darkness, own who you are and let go.

Feel your body, trust in my touch and let go.

Free your will, get lost in my service and let go

Let go, dark angel. Your wings have carried you far. The day is long but night has come and it is time to rest. Put down your burden and let me take you up in my embrace. The night is mine and I will carry you through it. When once again the day is here you will, once more, take flight. Until then sweet lady…

Let go.

Some Sub needs... (they don’t say out loud)
Posted:Jan 19, 2018 4:04 am
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2018 12:04 am
Some Sub needs... (they don’t say out loud)

1. Please touch us

Cuddle us, spoon us, grab the small of our backs. Kiss our foreheads and make us feel small. We crave your hands all over us. We love them no matter where they happen to land–be that on our asses or up our skirts.
Just. Touch. Us. It reminds us that we’re yours.

2. Take pride in us

Relish in the fact that we’re yours–that we belong to you and no one else. Smile when we enter the room because you know we’re walking toward you. It lets us know you care. It makes us want to be better for you.

3. Let us cry

When we are sad or angry, or pissed the hell off. When we drink too much…especially when we drink too much, let us cry our eyes out. Let us be messes, with mascara running down our cheeks and pints of ice cream in our hands. Let us be okay with not being okay once in a while. This one requires no action from you, just that you be okay with it when it happens.

4. Forgive

Despite how hard we try, we will make mistakes. We will fuck things up, say things wrong, do things crazy, and when that happens we need you to forgive us. We’re not talking immediate forgiveness, or that a price won’t often be paid for it, but forgiveness that comes eventually. We need to know that the slate has been wiped clean, all trespasses have been forgiven…and when it happens, don’t forget to let us know. See number 5.

5. Communicate… often!

We need this.. If we don’t discuss something, it will fester in our brains forever, eventually driving us crazy. A three-minute conversation could ease hours of worry for us once uneasy feeling sets in. If that can be prevented with a few sentences, please take the time to speak them. Honestly, like two seconds of your time could stop our heads from exploding….and you don’t want to clean up that mess, do you?

6. We want you to make us feel pretty

Not that you don’t make us feel super sexy pretty darn often, but once in a while, it’s good to actually hear. Tell us our ass looks great in our yoga pants, that our hair looks especially shiny today. Tell us you like our new boots. Notice something small and compliment us about it, and our hearts will swell for days. Compliments let us know what it’s like to look through your eyes. Those are glimpses of the world we don’t often get to see.

7. It’s the little things

Some of these are sounding cliche, but are just so fucking true. Sure, your big gestures of grandeur are admired, but it is often the small things that get our cheeks turning red. Leave a note on the mirror in the morning telling us to have a great day. Sit next to us during a movie you have no desire to see. Take the dog out in the morning so we can sleep in for an extra 10 minutes, remember what ice cream we prefer to eat when we cry. If you do these things, we’re yours for life.

8. Remember things

Speaking of little things, try to remember them. Things like how we take our coffee and the name of that bitchy girl who sits next to us at work. Remember anything. Three weeks from now, bust out some silly story we told you over dinner one evening in great detail. Remember something we’d never expect you to store into your internal drive. Remember our first concert together, and our best friend from kindergarten’s name. The more obscure the better.

9. Deal with us

When we’re singing in the car. When we drink too much wine. When we completely melt down. Deal with our pasts, and when we don’t feel pretty. Deal with our stretch marks and insecurities, our early bedtimes and exhaustion. Deal with our mood, and how we load the dishwasher the wrong way. These things silently tell us that you’ll be by our sides regardless of how nerdy, silly or utterly hopeless we can get.

Finally, the most important thing we need from you that we’ll never say out loud:

10. Be the most stable thing in our lives

Be stronger than us. Be the one person in our world that won’t turn on us or walk away. When life becomes scary and confusing, and we just need something solid to hold onto, please be our anchor. It’s because of you that our awful days are easier to get through. Don’t be perfect. Just be there. It’s the only real requirement on this list.

Structure Is.
Posted:Jan 18, 2018 1:57 pm
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2018 3:53 am
Structure Is.

Structure is knowing what to expect. It’s the security of concrete rules. Rules that are not only for days where I feel like being obedient, or he feels like enforcing. It’s his refusal the let an infraction slide despite my being tired, or distracted.

Structure is routine in the face of a turbulent life. It’s feeling his presence, even when he can’t be there. It’s a rule for what to do in case of X, knowing Y is non-negotiable, and that Z is only allowed when A, B, and C are complete. It’s finding peace because the burden of the mundane is managed.

Structure is consistency despite our moods. It’s pressing in when we’re feeling frustrated. It’s taking the next step despite sadness, because the rules are constant. It’s the firm knowledge that anger will not drive us apart because structure tethers us together.

Structure is the blinking beacon of a lighthouse in the storm. It’s visible through the fog of emotion, busy schedules, and uncertainty. Structure is the light that calls me back to my place at his feet.

Gone But Not Forgotten (Rainy Day Mix)
Posted:Jan 17, 2018 11:31 am
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2018 1:40 pm
Gone But Not Forgotten (Rainy Day Mix)

* Give Me Love ................George Harrison

*May This Be Love ..............Jimi Hendrix

*Fell On Black Days .................Chris Cornell

*Wild Is The Wind ..............David Bowie

*Jungle Land...........Clarence Clemons *E Street Band

*Never Tear Us Apart............INXS.(Michael Hutchence)

*The Wanton Song ...........Led Zepplin (John Bonham)
Posted:Jan 17, 2018 3:25 am
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2018 11:36 am

I think that the best thing D/s has shown me is that @cynicaldom really, truly accepts me. I still forget sometimes, and I’ll try to keep things to myself thinking “I can’t admit X”. Sometimes just because I think he’ll disagree, or won’t want what I want. Sometimes Most of the time it’s because I’m ashamed or embarrassed. I think that whatever I want or like is selfish or weird. Sometimes it’s something I wish I didn’t need or want. Or something I wish I didn’t feel. Whatever reason I have for thinking I can’t tell him, it’s untrue. And I can’t really hide my truths from him anymore even when I think I want to. I can delay it, but sooner or later I can’t help but share. We’ll have great sex or maybe a beer or two and we’ll be talking at 2 am and it all just spills out before I have time to over-analyze what I’m admitting.

I imagine I’ll fight the battle of trying to guard him against my ugly parts, at least what I view as my ugly parts, for years to come. I’ve learned this lesson many times already, but I find that I have to keep learning it. I accept the truth a little more each time. I can strip myself naked physically and emotionally and he won’t run and hide. He won’t even wince. He can handle seeing all of me, my scars, imperfections, flaws, shortcomings, insecurities, sexual desires, ugly tears, all of it. And he’ll still want me. He will still choose me.

Dreams *The Cranberries*
Posted:Jan 15, 2018 1:44 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2018 11:42 am
Dreams *The Cranberries*

Oh my life is changing every day
In every possible way
And oh my dreams
It's never quite as it seems
Never quite as it seems

I know I felt like this before
But now I'm feeling it even more
Because it came from you
Then I open up and see
The person falling here is me
A different way to be

I want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
And they'll come true
Impossible not to do
Possible not to do

And now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don't hurt me
You're what I couldn't find
A totally amazing mind
So understanding and so kind

You're everything to me
Oh my life is changing every day
In every possible way

And oh my dreams
It's never quite as it seems
'Cause you're a dream to me
Dream to me

R.I.P. Dolores Mary O'Riordan
Posted:Jan 15, 2018 1:22 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2018 1:05 pm

I’ve always viewed myself as a really emotional person. It’s never taken much to hurt my feelings, to scare me, to concern me. I’ve always wished that wasn’t true. I’ve always wished I could be cool, calm and collected all the time but that just isn’t who I am. I can sort of maintain composure in front of other people, but I remember being in third grade and going to the bathroom to cry. I’ve made it through funerals and weddings without anyone seeing me cry despite my high emotions only to fall apart the second I’m alone. For whatever reason, I’ve always had this really intense desire to avoid crying or expressing anxiety in front of others. There is this voice in my head that just says “you CANNOT cry right now.” if I get upset in front of people. It just doesn’t seem like an option, period.

From the beginning of our relationship @cynicaldom has been an exception to the rule. I let him see me emotional. Or maybe it wasn’t really the very beginning, but certainly early on. I remember being a little panicked the first time he knocked on the door while I was crying in there.

“Are you crying?”


“Come on.”

“What? I’m just peeing.”

“No. You aren’t. You’ve been in there too long. And your voice sounds funny.”

Shit. Nobody ever had called me out like that.

I won’t lie. I kept trying to cry in private most of the time. After that first time, I’d do it in a shower or bath to hide the noise a little better. It only worked sometimes. Other times he’d catch on and knock on the door. But that desire to guard my heart when I was sad was strong. It still is sometimes.

Entering D/s didn’t make CD more supportive of my emotions, he always was. It didn’t erase my inclination to try to be independent and distant when I’m sad, the instinct is still there, and sometimes it still wins. But having our dynamic structured with rules and daily expectations makes it really glaringly obvious when either one of us is “off”. It’s harder to hide behind my wall of “No, really, I’m fine.” when he can see that I’m dragging my feet on my rules. When I’m not struggling emotionally, I don’t think twice about any of my rules or tasks. When I’m emotional they take so much more effort. I have to pep talk myself into doing what is expected of me, and he sees that shift in me. I find myself wanting to ask for permission to skip rules more frequently. And when he holds firm I struggle with that too, even though the logical side of me knows it’s exactly what I need.

CD is okay with me not having a smile on my face and a pep in my step when doing chores or tasks. He appreciates that I put the work in even when it’s hard. But he sees the difference between my normal self and my “just going through the motions because I have to because these are the rules” self. I don’t have the acting skills to hide that truth. Sometimes I want to, desperately.

Recently, I think it was primarily hormones that were to blame. CD woke up, I heard him and went in to join him. He was laying on his back. I climbed on top of him, legs straddled to the sides. He ran his hands over my back while we talked. Then both hands end on my ass. I push my hips, pushing deeper into his hands.

“I’m horny,” I say quietly, shyly.

“Yeah?’ he says with teasing in his voice. He raises a knee between my legs. I grind against it.

He continues rubbing my back, squeezing my ass. We cuddle this way for quite a while. My stomach growls loudly. We laugh and the conversation turns to food. We move to the kitchen. I’m happy. Not just normal happy, particularly happy.

I stand in front of CD and look up at him grinning.

“What is it, Toy?” he says.

It catches my ear because I don’t think he’s ever called me just Toy before. His voice was so sweet. My heart melts.

I blush and squirm. It was a rhetorical question. He knows I’m horny and just seeking more attention.

He turns me around so that he is behind me, and dry humps me. One fist in my hair and the other hand around my neck. Then into my ear “Do you like to be used?” he asks.

“Yes, Sir!” I reply, grinding back against him.

“Oh really? You didn’t give my cock any attention. Are you sure you weren’t just looking to cum yourself? Maybe you don’t want to be used…” His voice is the teasing tone again.

He continues manhandling me and groping me. I push out moaning sounds to try to play along but my heart has dropped and my mind is in a completely new place. Emotionally I’m frozen in panic. Why didn’t it occur to me to stroke him? Or to ask to suck his cock? I’m too selfish. He thinks I don’t care about his pleasure. What is wrong with me? I was so fucking happy 2 minutes ago and now I’m an emotional lunatic. Why does he even like me?

Yet even in the moment, I know this is anxiety. I try pep talking myself. We specifically have guidelines in place for the expressed purpose of preventing me from worrying about whether I pleasure him enough. He instigates what he wants when he wants it. That’s supposed to be the end of the story. My anxiety doesn’t always listen to that.

I try to move on to cooking and eating but the anxious button in my brain is stuck on. My pep-talking isn’t working. I know I need his reassurance but I feel that urge to go cry in the bathroom. He just woke up. He doesn’t want to deal with my stupid emotions. What a terrible way to start his day. Yet I can tell that I'm “faking it” poorly. I’m not looking at him enough or something. His eyes are lingering on me too long, analyzing me. He can tell something’s wrong. Once the food is finished I convince myself to go to him.

He’s in his chair. I sit facing him, in his lap, my legs straddling his. The side of my face against his shoulder. I try to come up with words but I can’t. He asks what’s wrong.

“I’m having anxiety.”

“About what?”

It’s a long pause before I find words. “What you said about not touching you. Did you think I was a being selfish?”

“Oh! No. No, no, no. Of course not…”

He says it so earnestly. I feel so much better. The logical side of my brain knew he was trying to tease me. We’ve been on tease and denial for a couple of days. He was just teasing me about being desperate and for not having my pussy used. Yet getting confirmation helps so much. But this lingering emotional heaviness is still on me. I stay sitting with him for a while and shed a couple of silent tears onto his shoulder but I don’t let myself really cry. I don’t want to. I feel like such a pain already. He doesn’t need to hear me cry, too. I decide I have myself together enough to go on about my day so I stand up. He has other plans. He takes my hand and starts walking towards our bedroom.

When he leads me to the bedroom he’s either going to fuck me or spank me. Logically I know with all this teasing it won’t be to fuck me. Yet I’m hoping it is. Not because I’m horny, but because I know I’ll cry if he spanks me. I don’t want to cry. I can’t cry. I can’t cry. I can’t cry.

When he pulls me to my side of the bed I know that means spanking. I take a deep breath and make a pact with myself to hold it in. Once I am over his knee he leans over towards the closet and opens a drawer that holds our implements. He doesn’t like me to look at what he’s going to use so I keep my head straight. On the first blow, I know what paddle it is. It’s a mean one. I’m a little shocked. Why use a mean paddle when I’m so sensitive today? I know I stand no chance of holding my tears in.

I try to fight it. I get angry for a minute. Angry that he picked a mean paddle. Angry that I’m not tougher, stronger, that I don’t have a higher pain tolerance. In my bout of anger, I reach back to block. He grabs my hand and pins it to my back so fast. That makes me angry too. I’m stuck. It’s that helpless feeling that forces me to let go. So I cave, and I cry. I cry for just a few seconds when he slips the paddle back into the drawer.

My thoughts go 80 miles an hour again. I stop crying. Did he get weirded out because I cried so easily? Does he think he did something wrong? Why is he ending the spanking so soon? Why couldn’t I hold it together longer? I’m waiting on my two butt pats, which he does to give me permission to stand. They don’t come. Hard swats do.

He lays into me with his hand.

Occasionally after a paddling, he’ll give me a few really hard ones with his hand. But this isn’t like that. This is a solid hand spanking, fast and steady. My brain is too busy trying to make sense of this. He never goes back to his hand after a paddle. I’m confused. He works down to my sit spot, my lower butt, and upper thighs. He lingers there. He knows the easiest way to get me to tears with his hand is at that spot on my thighs. Is that the point? Was his point with all of this to help me cry? I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter because it hurts too much and I cry again.

He spanks me a while and I keep crying. He stops and I cry still. He leaves me over his lap as I finish crying and regain composure. I feel so much better.

He hugs me afterward and I squeeze him extra tight. As tight as I can, so that my arms start to tremble. Partly to make him laugh. Partly because I want to thank him for helping me cry. He’s not shaken by my crying or my anxiety at all. It doesn’t seem awkward. He’s just his usual self. I shouldn’t be surprised. He always handles my craziness well. His demeanor is calm and warm.

That night as I got ready to go to bed I felt the need to address it. I knew if I just apologized for being emotional he would dismiss it. He never lets me apologize for my emotions. So instead I say “I wish I wasn’t so emotional.” He shrugs. “It might take a couple days but it will pass. You’re okay.” He pinches my cheek, one of his favorite ways of showing affection. I shouldn’t be surprised by how content he seems, despite the emotional waves from the day. It still does surprises me though. I hope someday I’ll stop being surprised, and will accept that he really is just this safe, this non-judgmental, this sweet. I don’t need to cry in the bathroom anymore. He is my safe place.

It's BDSM, not magic. Have realistic expectations.
Posted:Jan 15, 2018 4:17 am
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2018 12:06 pm
It's BDSM, not magic. Have realistic expectations.

When Doms and subs are new and discovering their true natures, I find that many of them have idealistic, grandiose ideas of what their relationship is going to be like. I think that these unrealistic expectations cause many potentially good relationships to have a lot of tension where there shouldn’t be any, and even cause them to fail. This does not have to be the case.

For the subs, I want you to know a Dom is a HUMAN BEING. He is not a mind-reader. He is not invincible. He potentially comes with baggage just like you do. He has emotions that can be hurt, just like yours can. He is putting himself out there, JUST LIKE YOU ARE. Please do not think that he is incapable of making mistakes because he is. This does not mean he’s a bad Dom, this simply means that you need to talk. Although many Doms are very observant and intuitive, they still need you to talk about what’s on your mind. Maybe he pushed you harder physically than he should have, maybe you needed more aftercare than he provided, maybe he made a decision that caused you emotional distress…whatever it is, it doesn’t make him a horrible Dom. The only way he is a jerk is if he’s not willing to talk to you about it, or willing to admit he messed up. Aside from those issues, MISTAKES HAPPEN. If his heart is in the right place, then give the guy a pass and allow him to apologize (A GOOD DOM WILL SAY SORRY!). Talk about your feelings, allow him a moment to express why he did what he did and the two of you can move forward. Mistakes a part of ANY relationship. BDSM is no different. If you expect your Dom to be some perfect, all-knowing being then I hate to break it to you…you’re living in a delusion.

For the Doms, your sub is not perfect either. She comes with past hurts and emotions that may affect her service. She doesn’t come into the relationship knowing every little thing that you need her to do. Her moods can change because of a bad day, hormones, family-stress, etc. There will be times when she might be able to take more physical pain than others, and times where she might be able to handle it at all. Again, she is human. She is not a robot who is going to get it right all the time. The solution is not necessarily to brutally beat her either. It is important for you to be patient and look at the ENTIRE picture of what’s going on. Is she going through something that is causing her to behave a certain way? Did she try her best and something outside of her control caused her to make an error? Again, she is not perfect and every time she messed up does not mean her heart and head were not in the right place. it is important to recognize that even the best of subs are going to have instances where they don’t do it 100% right and there should be enough wiggle room for that. Every misstep is not willful disobedience.

So again, my friends…my goal is to tell you that engaging BDSM and D/s don’t mean that you’re going to have this relationship that is shielded from all of the problems vanilla relationships experience. Yes, the power exchange does provide some natural order, but there are still issues that have the potential to arise. Every moment is not going to be hot sex and excitement. No one can keep that up every minute of the day. I don’t care what you see on Tumblr, real life prevents every single second of a D/s relationship to be bliss. I’m sorry, but the world simply won’t allow that. People have jobs, kids, families, friends, and various responsibilities from keeping them inside a perfect little D/s bubble.

I’m asking all of you who are interested in learning more to talk to people who really live this. Allow them to talk to you about potential issues that can arise. As lovely as online relationships can be, a person who has ONLY served online cannot tell you what the experiences of living with someone 24/7 will be like. Recognize that a collar and whip do not mean that every ounce of emotional baggage and stress melts away and you are suddenly new creatures. If there’s anything I’ve learned about D/s is that personality issues like jealousy, insecurity, selfishness, etc will be MAGNIFIED in this kind of power-exchange. There is NO room to hide in this dynamic and I promise you that all of those negative things about you won’t be hidden for long if you are really giving this your all. The beautiful (and sometimes scary) thing about D/s is the unimaginable intimacy that can come. It leaves no room for pretending.

Be realistic. Remember that we are all people. A Dom is a person, not a god. A sub is a person, not a robot. Keep those things in the back of your mind and you will learn and grow with each other instead of constantly trying to figure out why your relationship isn’t as perfect as what you see on Tumblr. I am sure their relationship isn’t that perfect, either. People tend to talk about the good things (we ALL do it) because that’s what we want to shine a light on. Don’t think because you’re not perfect that you’re doing it wrong. You’re probably right on target.

If everything was right from the start, there’d be no room to grow.

Not All That Glitters Is Gold
Posted:Jan 14, 2018 5:32 am
Last Updated:Jan 14, 2018 1:04 pm
Not All That Glitters Is Gold

I’ve always been a submissive, and when I look back at my life I see signs for as far back as I can remember. It wasn’t until my late twenties that I started to label those feelings and desires. I had been living for years as a bottom, only in the bedroom, and realized what it was I had been missing for so long.

I started searching for the missing piece, finally believing I wasn’t just broken. I started seeking dominance that existed past the bedroom’s threshold.

I found that many men were eager to offer their assistance. I showed them the gap inside me, and they filled it with brashness and demands. They offered poor imitations of the real thing, and I was so desperate that I accepted, and called it dominance.

I knew even then that it wasn’t quite what I needed, but something is better than nothing, right? …Right?

I felt like I couldn’t go without it anymore. Now that I knew there was something missing, I couldn’t leave this empty space inside myself… and so I settled.

Men used me, and I let them. I have to own my part in this journey because I allowed myself to accept less. We accept what we think we deserve, and I let myself believe that’s all there was, and it was all I was worth.

I see quite often, on posts I write, and posts from others note that say ‘’does this even exist,” and to those asking themselves this very question… yes, it exists.

Out there are real dominants. Ones who understand patience, and who know that what you need is more important than what they want. Don’t be like me, chasing the shiny things, and risk missing the real thing.

A Million Little Moments
Posted:Jan 14, 2018 5:17 am
Last Updated:Jan 14, 2018 1:09 pm
A Million Little Moments

It’s not about looking into someone’s eyes in the middle of a storm and them having the power to make it stop.

It’s about being able to look into someone’s eyes and know that their gaze will never waver whether the world is falling apart around you or you’re in the middle of the beach on a sunny day.

It’s about knowing that they can’t stop the tidal waves from coming- but that they’ll do everything they can to help you board up the windows for when they do.

It’s about facing monsters that you can’t see- that you didn’t even know existed, for someone that’s been facing them alone their whole life.

This is what Love is.

This is what Love should be.

A million little moments where someone stays.


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