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_Please_SeduceMe 47F  
2433 posts
3/19/2017 2:11 pm
I Hear It – Loud and Clear





The Talk – It must happen at some point. There are several Talks which people who may potentially become intimate must have which are unique to every person and every relationship. One such Talk which I must have is my abhorrent issue with the substance of male cum. If anyone has actually read my blogs, I have mentioned the fact that I do not like the substance of cum, and that I would rather it go in a condom and not on or in me, to include my mouth.

Most of the time males seem to embrace this notion that my disdain for the substance of cum is a direct rejection of their entire being of existence – I may phrase this notion like “I see, and you are afraid that because I do not like the substance of cum in an on me that it means a rejection of you.”

Naturally, the males then jump to the defense of “No, I did not say that” or they stamper over something along the lines of – “I think the word ‘rejection’ is too
strong of a word” to which I then counter something along the lines of:

“I do not believe the word is too strong. My reasoning is logical – my entire being: mind, body, and spirit is being rejected by you due to the fact I was put in a situation where I had no control, was forced to have males ejaculate on me in heinous act and now struggle with it. For this disdain of a substance I am discarded. I struggle so hard with it. You have no idea. Makes me want to cry. I did not choose this, none of it. I worked so hard to learn to enjoy giving oral, but I cannot seem to overcome the flashbacks when the substance of cum is involved – the viscosity, the scent, the feel of it. I hear the snide remarks, the hate, and pain – it all returns to the foreground.”

By the time of this disclosure the male is trying to convey some type of comfort about how knowing I have suffered hurts their heart. And how they may truly understand this and my pain. But despite their “understanding” I still am facing rejection again from another male.

I did not choose this, but I am forced once again to relive it. It is no different than my reaction to fireworks – which seems people can understand and accept. I cannot stop the ice cold feeling, the breaking out in a cold sweat, the difficulty concentrating – and I have tried. And I have failed, over and over I have failed.

I have friends who have been in some of my counseling groups who cannot have anal sex, or cannot be tied, cannot have certain words said in moments of passion, and some are like me – they cannot tolerate the substance of male cum. We all have struggles with various intimate actions – trusting enough to let go is a huge one. It seems to ruin relationships or the starting of any relationship, and the rejection hurts. It stings, it is felt, keenly.

I envy those who can just freely act and not think about things, but only feel the good. But I am not given that; no, I must reveal dark and horrible actions because I now have issues.

Of course these valiant males then instruct me how I must not hold all men responsible for those despicable acts which were done to me in my earlier life time. They tell me how I am allowing these acts of the past to run a portion of my life and how I will always be in the dark because of it. And how I need to go back to the place I was before the attacks and events.

In my mind I am in angry stupor – as if I have not already had over a decade of counseling, as if I have not had and given lectures on overcoming many aspects of trauma. The arrogance of these male is appalling and sad. I already know not to listen to the talks about the “Shoulds” what one should and should not do.

But these helpful males keep going on about what I should and should not do.
What I hear in all this telling me what I should do? I hear how I have been too weak to not overcome it by now. How I am too weak to handle it because I allow it to affect me. A stronger person would never let it affect them and their lives.

That is what I hear every single time a person tells me how I “Should not allow the acts of the past to affect my life in the present”.

But the true irony is how angry these men become themselves upon hearing the atrocities – how they wish they could find the people who hurt me and have them killed or imprisoned. Yet, at the same time, I am the one who lives with the memory am not allowed to let the events affect my life in the present. Total double standard.

Their words about how I should not allow my past in this one area – the disdain for the substance of cum, the asking to use a condom and to not ejaculate in my mouth – is unacceptable to them because they do not want to have to “ruin the passion of the moment” by having to wear a condom or not ejaculate in my mouth. Oh, poor pitiful male, you have such a burden to bear.

I have no rights in the matter. I should not let it affect me and heaven forbid if I let affect anyone else with my issues from the past. There is nothing I can do about it. It seems to continually revert back to how I am punishing mankind with my issues over the substance of cum.

How I am wrong for not overcoming it, yet. How I am weak for not handling things better for their sake, not mine, but for their sake and inconvenience of using a condom. And this is the reality of what I face.

My perceived weakness over the substance of cum leads to their rejection of all of me.

Oh, they can argue all they wish about how they never actually used the word “weak” but in the end the meaning of what they said was heard loud and clear.

As clear as a bell – The fact that I need to not let it affect me, the fact that it still does – I am weak. I am not strong or intelligent enough to overcome this trauma to satisfy a male’s needs. I have heard these words, the meaning, the sentiment for years.

Because I have not learned to have a better reaction which pleases men I am weak and rejected.

That is the message.

Trust me. I hear it loud and clear. Males do not want to be bothered with needs and issues – I hear it loud and clear.

When I learn to be strong enough to have a better reaction then I will be worthy of their time – I hear it loud and clear.

Yes, I hear it –

Loud

And

Clear.





_Please_SeduceMe 47F  
2502 posts
3/19/2017 2:13 pm

[image]


_Please_SeduceMe 47F  
2502 posts
3/19/2017 2:18 pm

I do know, and I do have hope that there is at least ONE man out there who will see past my issues. And he will be the RIGHT man for me. I still have this hope. I have to have this hope.


drmgirl622 62F  
4460 posts
3/19/2017 2:56 pm

You have every right to say and feel as you choose !


_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/19/2017 3:32 pm:
Thank you - Yes, I know I do, I am frustrated and angered by the hurt of rejection from the narrow mind males who cannot see past their own ego - logically I know they are not for me, but it does not take away the continual sting of their words and actions

_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/19/2017 3:51 pm:
I do believe part of the pain is how these males try to "Shame me into doing something I cannot" after I have spent years overcoming the shame of all of the traumatic events.

Shame and guilt seem to be quite common side affects of survival of abuse.

These males have no clue how hurtful their arrogance and egotistical self importance of their need not to "ruin the moment" by shaming the person, making them feel guilty all over again is.

And that is a huge contention and point of pain for those who survive and adjust.

Softlysexy 51F  
106 posts
3/19/2017 4:14 pm

Do not ever think of yourself as weak, you were strong enough to delve deep and admit that your aversion to semen is not something that you can overcome.

Yes, there is a man out there, confident enough in himself to know his semen does not define him, kind enough to make your aversion a non issue, with wisdom enough to see your heart. That man is the only man that truly deserves you!

We each have them, those aversions, those triggers strong enough to rain down actual, physical memory over us and we all deserve just one person in our lives that loves us enough to do all they can to protect us from those triggers. We ALL DESERVE that one and I for one will find strength in your strength to not settle!

Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.
Rumi


_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/19/2017 4:31 pm:
thank you --- logically I know this, I have to believe this, but is is wonderful to hear this support from others when I have been stung once again. So, thank you.

slaveforyou365 56M  
329 posts
3/19/2017 4:27 pm



Slave rick


_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/19/2017 4:31 pm:

Softlysexy 51F  
106 posts
3/19/2017 7:19 pm

    Quoting sub_nouveau:
    Softlysexy has nailed it.

    In general terms, man's most primal instinct is to impregnate, or "mark" his female with their semen, but we have evolved intellectually beyond that primal existence (perhaps some haven't).

    There are men who understand they can have a very fulfilling sex life while wearing condoms, and if someone is worthy of you, they will understand and care about your well-being; they won't add to your trauma. He is out there - an intelligent, compassionate, and caring Daddy - someone who will keep you from harm's way.
Just so everyone knows, I don't know how to edit the quote,, soo not being vain and quoting myself..

Sub_nouveau makes a very good point, that primal instinct is present in most males of most species. The difference is the understanding, the intelligence. If not for the understanding and intelligence we would not have evolved beyond the stone age.

I realize there are all kinds of self-help tricks out there, but the one that worked best for me during a very dark period was remembering that the words "I am" are the two most powerful words in the universe.. you can use that power simply but carefully using the words that follow..

Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.
Rumi


_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/19/2017 8:20 pm:
it takes work to stay positive and not fall into the woes to me and in the stench of self pity - neither are attractive. People need to feel the pain, but not let it rule them into oblivion - learn to find the good and the joy of the moment.

yes, we all know you are secretly vain LOL it is hard to work the mechanism at times. Sometimes I just copy and paste what I wish to quote.

CowboyRam 52M
3132 posts
3/19/2017 10:35 pm

Wow, I really don't know what to say here. I am sorry that this has happened to you. It is not your fault that you have this hard limit, and if the man in you life truly loves you he will never ask you to what can't. He will accept you for who and what you are. To me it don't make that much difference if I do cum or not. Oh, don't get me wrong, I do like when I do. I really enjoy making my partner orgasm. There are always work around's. Like I said, if he really loves you he will not put you in that awkward position.

An ounce of doing is worth a pound of talk

Cowboy Up


_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/19/2017 10:53 pm:
That is the key - "If he really loves me" - Most leave and reject me long before ever really allowing himself to know me enough to eventually love me. They think my hard limit is a huge sacrifice - must too large to allow time to see if I am worth it, and to them it is obvious I am not.

not trying to sound bitter, but it is the truth, that is how they truly feel, I am not worth it.

The Right Man out there, will know I am worth it, and he will help me work through things and care about me. So in that truth, I am content.

camperdude_69 56M
313 posts
3/20/2017 1:59 am

very nice


_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/20/2017 9:06 am:
Thank you

CowboyRam 52M
3132 posts
3/20/2017 6:12 am

I can kind of understand how you feel. I have this thing about bruises. I don't find them sexy on the female body, and it is hard for me to get around that. I don't really know how I would react to bruises that I inflicted. Knowing me I would feel bad. I think this stems from my ex wife; when we would get in a fight I would grab her arms to keep her from hitting me, and she would later tell me I put bruises on he. I never could see them; I think she used this as a form of control over me.

It sounds like you have been through some really bad abuse, and you are working hard to get past that abuse. It is going to take a special man that will be understanding of your limits. Like I said before, if he loves you that will not matter. He will not put you in that uncomfortable position.

An ounce of doing is worth a pound of talk

Cowboy Up


_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/20/2017 9:17 am:
Bruises - for some are the memories of a great scene, something to cherish and wear with pride. But for others, they see it as a sign of abuse and it turns their stomach. That is the dichotomy of emotional responses to bruises. Not every girl wants to have bruises, find a girl who is into the more sensual side of play, who enjoys the dynamics of the relationship more than the physical manifestations of a hard scene. Not every sub is a pain slut.

I work very hard every day to be positive, to find the good in life to live like Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings - I like this quote:

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

twosharp2 72M
748 posts
3/20/2017 11:51 am

What a sad, moving post. Sad that the event(s) happened to you and you have not been able to overcome them. Moving in that you have the courage to acknowledge your limits and cannot "take one for the team."

I love for a woman to take my cum; psychologically, it's sort of like "she totally accepts me." I have dated women who did not want cum in their mouth and was OK with that. One woman, though, would take me out frequently to say, "Don't cum in my mouth." This was quite annoying since I had assured her I wouldn't as well as actual experience that I didn't, but she still persisted. We didn't last long...as soon as I realized she was a drug addict, I wanted no part of sex with her. She even asked, "Do you wanna fuck my pussy?"

But not cumming in a woman (vagina) would be a deal breaker for me. Barring risk of pregnancy, STDs, etc., cumming in her is the final bond for me. It's not about "marking", but bonding. She can smear her secretions or squirt all over me; why can't I cum in her?

Like CowboyRam above, I do not enjoy/like bruises. I like providing sensations to a woman (spanking, flogging...) but not pain that bruises. I have never slapped a woman's face but have playfully slapped tits, pussy, and ass.


_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/20/2017 12:59 pm:
Yes, barring all those one could enjoy it, in time. Thus, why I always add - "work with me to help me overcome" in my explanations. But most refuse to even work with me - to help form that trust that I need. And that is where the rub of the whole issue lays.

twosharp2 72M
748 posts
3/21/2017 9:26 am

Quoting _Please_SeduceMe:
hus, why I always add - "work with me to help me overcome" in my explanations. But most refuse to even work with me - to help form that trust that I need. And that is where the rub of the whole issue lays.

My take is the issue is so deeply rooted that trust wouldn't help. In your initial statements, you indicated years of therapy. Since that has been unsuccessful, how would someone establish a level of trust to overcome the aversion? Not asking specifically, but throwing out thoughts.

To reiterate, I'm saddened the event(s) happened to you.


_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/23/2017 2:10 am:
you are assuming that i have had a man who I have been able to trust... and I have not met one, yet. I believe that when I find one whom I can trust, you proves he loves me, love will help break the fears.

twosharp2 72M
748 posts
3/23/2017 11:35 am

Quoting _Please_SeduceMe:
you are assuming that i have had a man who I have been able to trust...

I think you may have misunderstood. Nowhere did I assume or imply you have had a man you could trust. Rather, I rhetorically asked, "If years of therapy hasn't helped you overcome the issue, how can you anticipate/expect trust to overcome?"

I now interpret that since you've never trusted a man, you never will; it's only a fantasy. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what I'm reading into it. I have encountered other abused women; some were so messed-up they will never trust or have a "normal" relationship. For example, one likes to be used, but has never had an orgasm with a partner be it stranger, boyfriend, or even her husband. Another has crawled into the dark hole of religion; even though she admits being horny, she uses religion as an excuse not to date or engage.


_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/26/2017 9:56 am:
therapy is in the mind - you need a partner, with PATIENCE to practice anything when the issues involves the other person's bodily function. I cannot do anything on my own. It takes a willing partner - thus, I need to find a willing partner.

_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/26/2017 10:02 am:

most people do not have an issue with my request to use condoms and NOT jerk off in my mouth. I find those who have issues with safe sex questionable at times

_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/26/2017 10:04 am:
your interpretation is not correct - just because i have had men betray, abuse, abandon me thus breaking any trust I have had given, does not mean I have not witness men be good to their partners. In that observation I have a desire to trust, therein is the key - one must want to trust.

twosharp2 72M
748 posts
3/26/2017 10:56 am

Quoting _Please_SeduceMe:
...does not mean I have not witness[ed] men be good to their partners.
Multiple women have told me, "No one has ever done that before..."; i.e., treated them so well.

I have a desire to trust, therein is the key - one must want to trust.
The subsequent key that must be answered is can the desire to trust overcome the fear?

Note—I'm not lobbying for myself. We exchanged a few messages some time back. You're severely allergic to smoke and I'm a smoker. That eliminates me entirely. My comments are hypothetical/philosophical.


_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/26/2017 12:58 pm:
if a man proves he is trust worthy - no abuse, cheat, abandon, steal, become a raging ass --- and show he can last longer than a few months - I think here could be hope to help. I think if he shows himself trust worthy that in a couple years many of my issues could be eased - love does that for many people - removes the fear.

_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/26/2017 1:03 pm:
but when they say one thing and do the opposite in the first weeks of dating - trust is broken, real fast.

_Please_SeduceMe replies on 3/26/2017 1:17 pm:
it is hard enough to find someone whom you would agree to meet, then when you meet them and they prove to be a liar before the meet is over - there is no trust, there is not beginning.

from meeting to the first few weeks of dating - sometimes, it only takes a month or three of dating for the facade to fall and their true colors show -

which is why I wish to be around their friends and they around my BDSM friends for a while, to see how they act and present themselves. Most of the time, they cannot keep it up, and it ends. I am still waiting for ONE man, yes ONE man to prove he does what he says. They have my leave to hang out with me and do things with my friends - I am who I say I am. I have issues, I am not perfect. I want to trust. and I will press that BS button/ hold one accountable for their own actions and not blame others when it needs to be pressed.


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